Riding the sled to hell

nine inch nails - tour dates

2009-03-12T17:47:00.000-08:00

online movie company finally shows its ass to workforce: film at 11

2008-12-06T05:47:00.001-08:00

So if you work with me, you already know, or maybe you don't. I and about 90% of the tech support group were laid off yesterday. I'm still recovering from the shock, and adjusting to the idea that in three weeks, I will be unemployed in the worst economy our country has seen in my brief lifetime.

I'm not as upset as I thought I would be, but I'm still pretty freaked out. Not freaked out over money - I was homeless for two years and only had one "near" psychotic break. Anxious. I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. I lay down to rest and the events of the day replay themselves for me. The nightmares I've had about work for the past six months have moved into my real waking life. Lovely.

I'm upset because I would have to re-apply for my old job. The one I was originally hired to do, before Instant Watching existed. The same job I have been doing off and on for the past five months or so. This rubs me the wrong way particularly because it implies that I am not necessarily wanted - otherwise we all might have been told "if you would like to work in Customer Service, we have a place for you - since we're hiring new people RIGHT NOW anyway." It made me feel as if online movie company would like the option to decide whether we are worthy of them. Well, they'd already made me feel worthless when I came back to work from the hospital and discovered I had an attendance problem.

I feel used. I feel mis-used, or abused. It's fine that there won't be any time off until god knows when, and it's fine that I've lost my job, but it's rubbing salt in the wound to expect us to work mandatory overtime through the holidays.

I felt it was necessary to share this with all of you, partially because I am uspet and want to complain, but also because this is a major life event, on the par of when I left my ex husband after he had abused me for the better part of ten years. At that time, I was terrified and afraid to be alone. I feel the same way now, but this time is different because I was not dependent on my ex husband for money or health insurance.

I'm not asking for help. I'm just letting you know what's going on. If you would like to help, a kind word would go a long way.

online movie company finally shows its ass to workforce: film at 11

2008-12-06T05:47:00.000-08:00

I've got your one contact resolution right here.

2008-12-05T23:40:00.003-08:00

I no longer have your one contact resolution right here.

2008-12-05T23:40:00.002-08:00

It's finally happened. The day I have anticipated for so long has arrived.

Today, I and fifty or so of my colleagues have been laid off from online movie watching company. I was invited to re-apply for my old job. Fuck that.

It's kind of crap. There is a silver lining to all of this, though. I will be able to go to two art classes and take German. I will get five weeks severance pay, which I am lucky to get, and I will be eligible for unemployment. I will make only slightly less money on unemployment and if I go to school part time I can get health insurance.

I'm nervous but excited. Today felt like the day I left my ex husband. This will turn out just as well. Perhaps better!

I've got your one contact resolution right here.

2008-12-05T23:40:00.001-08:00

I no longer have your one contact resolution right here.

2008-12-05T23:40:00.000-08:00

Chu! Chu! Chu!

2008-11-07T09:11:00.001-08:00

I'm happy today.
I'm happy because I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy yesterday - the doctor found one very tiny 3mm polyp and removed it. I should have the biopsy results within a week or so. Even if it was cancerous - and it probably wasn't - it's no longer inside me. I am thrilled about this. It was SO small. 3mm is about the size of... well I can't tell you but check out this link (it's not a picture of the polyp, there are just a bunch of stick figures explaining the size of different volumes)

How large is 3 millimeters?

You may infer that the polyp was REALLY small.

In other news, school is going well. I got my midterm portfolio back, and I either have an A- or B+ in Art 131. I'm enjoying the class, I've improved quite a bit, and I'm hoping to apply what I've learned to my next comic strip. I think there's going to be a lot more black, white, and red.

What I'm currently reading:

The Complete Crumb Comics, Volume One - The Early Years of Bitter Struggle

American Splendor

Chu! Chu! Chu!

2008-11-07T09:11:00.000-08:00

pardon my dust

2008-11-02T04:33:00.001-08:00

I'm re-doing this page, finally importing all my older stuff - hopefully it will all merge into one somewhat coherent timeline. I don't know what blogger will do with posts from different blogs from the same day - but I imagine it will sort them by timestamp. I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of the "posted by xxxxxx" so that I'll be even more difficult for my ex parasite to find.

So. That's what I'm doing now. Also, I have a facebook page, and a twitter account. Links coming soon.

I just changed the template and looked at the archive. All the posts say they're from kitteh! I am so excited about this! I'm going to try to google for that other name... just to see if it leads back here. If not... I may do a little dance around the room!

pardon my dust

2008-11-02T04:33:00.000-08:00

Better today

2008-07-02T04:21:00.001-07:00

Today was a better day. It started off weird. I went to the doctor, who gave me a pelvic exam. We talked about my ongoing struggle to lose the 40 pounds I've gained in a year, and she suggested two things. "More cardio" and "you'd be a good candidate for weight loss surgery". I don't know what to say. More cardio sounds a lot easier, and less risky. Weight loss surgery sounds sort of appealing, but I'm thinking its sort of forced anorexia - I'm pretty good at starving already, and that isn't really getting it done.

More cardio, then. I walk home from work every morning, unless it is rainy and crappy out. We're going back to the gym, come hell or high water, starting this afternoon. We'll see how I do.

I'm eating 1200 to 1500 calories per day. I pretty much live on slim fast bars, apple slices, and an occasional costco dog or chipotle burrito. So... we'll see. I don't understand how I gained 40 pounds in the first place. I am more active and eat less, or the same, as I did this time last year.

Could it be that my metabolism is just very painfully slow? Perhaps. I can't say I would be surprised. I sort have this possible genetic predisposition to be overweight - you could determine this by looking at my mom's side of the family. My dad was thin, I believe - which could be what has kept me on this side of "morbidly obese" up until now.

I don't know. It makes me sad to think about it too much - particularly when I think about how the only reason my ex husband could think of for him to abuse me was "look in the mirror. You're fat" so... goddammit I don't wanna think about him. I had 1240 calories today - I'm quite obviously getting some exercise at least 4 days a week, and I'll be getting a LOT more soon. I'm not going to dwell on it too much.

I said I was better today, and it's true. I've had a better day at work. My customer satisfaction level is 99% - which is WAY above the average of other techs. I may have broken out of the funk I've been in.

Now that I feel better, perhaps I'll start looking better.

Oh, and who got a 92 on her Algebra test? Kitteh got a 92 on her Algebra test! That, if nothing else, is awesome, and worth mentioning.

24 days until NIN in Seattle.

Better today

2008-07-02T04:21:00.000-07:00

Nothing can stop me now, 'cause I don't care anymore.

2008-07-01T02:26:00.001-07:00

I think I'm burned out. I think I'm getting an ulcer. I think there's something horribly wrong, here.

My job should be easy. I get paid relatively well to sit in a cubicle with my own nameplate, and answer calls from customers. I like the customers, most days. I like helping them. I like most of my co-workers - the only reason I don't say I like them all, is because I don't know them all.

I am incredibly stressed out right now. I was fine over the weekend. I was fine when I was doing my homework. I was fine when I got to work. I was fine until lunch. Then, not so fine. I ate my lunch and felt kind of sick. I'm pretty sure there's nothing in a slim fast bar that would upset me.

I started to feel super anxious, which could be due to me being over caffeinated, I suppose. I had a viso and a venti macchiato from starbucks earlier - viso when I started my shift - starbucks about 4 hours later.

Can you tell I just want to take a hatchet to my workstation? This sucks. I hate feeling like I'm useless, like I'm worthless. Like no matter what I do, nobody at work is going to appreciate me, and nothing in my work environment is going to get better.

I suppose some people might think this is to be expected - the average time in a call center for most people is less than 2 years. It'll be 2 years in September.

I suppose some people would say that working in a call center at the age of 30 means I've failed at life. I would tend to agree with them. I can only imagine how demoralizing it would be to still be doing this same job five years from now. Or even a year from now.

I think it's time to move on, but I'm sort of stuck. I don't think anybody is going to pay me as well, or give me health insurance right away, or...

Anybody that knows me, knows I will not go somewhere else unless I have a fail-proof exit strategy. Being unemployed for any appreciable length of time is not an option - I have bills to pay, vacations to plan, and concert tickets to buy. I won't do anything stupid. But I've got to do something.

I'm exhausted. I should be doing my homework, but all I can think about is how miserable this is, and how disappointed I am that I'm not doing better. I really thought I'd feel better this week.

Nothing can stop me now, 'cause I don't care anymore.

2008-07-01T02:26:00.000-07:00

What the hell have I been doing?

2008-06-29T20:50:00.001-07:00

I've been busy.

I got sterilized on May 1. My insurance finally agreed to pay for it this month. I have one month to go until I get a hysterosalpingogram (fancy medical term for "let's fill her uterus with glow in the dark dye and see if anything can get to the ovaries) and I will be sterile.

I've got tickets to see Mastodon later this month.
I've got tickets to see NIN in Seattle on 7/26
I've got tickets to see NIN in Oakland on 9/5 - we're spending the weekend and playing tourist.

I started college. Art class sucked - could you imagine me sitting outside in the heat for hours and drawing the same damn scene for 8 weeks? Yeah, me neither.

My online algebra class is going well. I turn in my first homework tonight.

Ebichu and I are getting along well. I like to pet him and feed him pieces of apple. I got him a new house, it has 3 levels and ramps and shit. He seems to like it.

I dyed all my hair black today. I'm going to add some yellow and red to it, but not just yet. I am also lazy.

I can't wait to see the new Batman movie, and Hellboy. Iron Man was so good - can't wait to see it again.

It's hotter than hell up here. Thank god we can hide in our room with the air conditioner. I didn't even realize it was 100 degrees yesterday. I'm glad we're not suffering in the heat.

Uhm... I'm going to move all my other stuff over to this page, but I'm probably not going to do much about how it looks - I sort of like the plainest plain look I've got going on.

What the hell have I been doing?

2008-06-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

test, 1 2 3, test.

2008-06-23T03:31:00.001-07:00

samuel l jackson malt liquor.
it'll get ya drunk!

test, 1 2 3, test.

2008-06-23T03:31:00.000-07:00

samuel l jackson malt liquor.
it'll get ya drunk!

Two months later... a tracking number appears from the ethernetzzzz

2008-06-06T08:41:00.005-07:00

Hello,

I suppose you never got the memo from my bank - I no longer desire the shoes, as it's been several months since the order was placed. I have already initiated a chargeback after receiving bounced emails from your website, and no way to speak to anyone in person after calling your customer service phone number. I'm very dissatisfied, to the point that it's affected my ability to properly punctuate the previous run-on sentence.

To sum up:
I don't want the shoes anymore. I already bought an identical pair of boots for more money from amazon.com - because they're an established brand, and although I have never had to call or email for assistance, I know for a fact that their emails do not bounce.

Just for the sake of being redundant - "Better late than never" is not a good policy when you've had my money for over two months.

I'm rather annoyed that I may end up with two pairs of identical leather boots, and yet another charge on my credit card. With my luck, this will be the one email you'll actually receive - so I'll withold the reflexive urge to let loose a volley of profanity and simply say this:

I am never buying anything from you, ever again. I work in customer care - and if I had handled a customer the way you've handled my order, I would be out of a job. However, as a customer, I feel totally justified in writing you a blistering email, partially because I know it's going to bounce right back, and also because regardless of my attitude towards you, you had, and potentially will have again (if my bank decides to cancel that charge back because you finally decided to ship me something, which might be shoes, might be a box of rocks) my money.

Additionally, although I know that complaining to the Better Business Bureau is positively worthless because they're not affiliated with any sort of law enforcement or government agency - I do know that word of mouth is very important when building and maintaining a brand. When I think of dimoutshoes.com I think of the rude automated message advising me that I may _not_ leave a message, because nobody cares about what I have to say - and the two emails that bounced back from your domain. Gee. I wonder where that link in my signature goes? I wonder how many flyers I can leave in the break room at work that detail this entire stupid wankfest? There sure are a lot of places I go that I could drop one off at... leave a few on the bus, a few more at the college I attend, a few more in the bathroom at Starbucks, not to mention telling all my friends, emailing the entire distribution list at work... you see where this is going?

Congratulations! You've beaten out Cingular, Dish Network, and Real.com for the highly contested "Worst customer experience" award. You should be proud. Your commemorative plaque will be shipping _______ *hint: look for a random email with a tracking number in... oh, I don't know... two months? Yeah.

Cheers,
CustomerService_Alchemist

Two months later... a tracking number appears from the ethernetzzzz

2008-06-06T08:41:00.004-07:00

Two months later... a tracking number appears from the ethernetzzzz

2008-06-06T08:41:00.003-07:00

to everything, there is a season

2008-03-21T17:19:00.001-08:00

I could not begin to guess what prompted my ex to try to contact me for money. no idea what it could be, but I'd be willing to bet it was because my former home is now on the market to be sold. i envision him running out of money, being tired of working, that sort of thing. it's spring, so maybe he's come out of hibernation. i don't know. i don't care. he's vile. truly vile.

things are so much better now. i'm happy. i have a wonderful boyfriend, he treats me very well and i love him absolutely. the nature of our relationship is so different from anything that ever came before. it's truly blissful.

it's been a year since we first met, and it's been a very good year.

to everything, there is a season

2008-03-21T17:19:00.000-08:00

I think I was brainwashed.

2008-03-11T15:58:00.001-08:00

I called in sick today because I've had some upset stomach issues over the last few days - today I just couldn't even make it out of the house - there's no way I would have made it to work.

So I started reading on the internets. I know, I know, sometimes reading on the internets is good and sometimes it's just a huge time sink.

The thing that everyone's been telling me for almost two years has finally sunk in. I was brainwashed by my ex husband. I thought I was bad, I thought I didn't know how to listen, that I was sexually dysfunctional, that I was unattractive, that I was fat...

See, it's not just a few incidents in the relationship that I've skewed and twisted to get people to agree with me and feel sorry for me. Almost every day I remember more things. Oh boy - more things. Just what I wanted to do with my day off.

I remember sometime during the summer of 1997, when we were living in the house on Coal Avenue in Albuquerque with Gary - I remember I made tuna fish for lunch and he got mad and refused to eat because the pickles in the sandwich were too big.
I now know how to cut a slice of pickle into tiny tiny rectangular pieces.

Another time when I went to the grocery store with my friend Sage - she drove me to the store and I had a $20 bill and I bought stuff to make fajitas. He yelled at me because I spent all the money and then when I made dinner he said it tasted like paper.

I remember more crying and apologizing. God help me, I don't want to remember any more of this shit.